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There's Now a Hotline For When You're Naked, Orange, and Afraid

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Remembering Jeanne Moreau, France’s Femme Fatale

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You are Now Entering House of Z

There's Now a Hotline For When You're Naked, Orange, and Afraid

Hello, operator? I have a self-tanning emergency  

BY HILARY SHEPHERD

BEAUTY  -  AUGUST 01

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Still from Drake's "Hotline Bling" music video

Photo: via YouTube

Self-tanner is, for the most part, a great idea, particularly when you don't have time to bake in the sun for hours (or you do, but wisely decide to slather on a generous helping of SPF and fake a bronzed glow instead). There are, however, the seemingly endless woes associated with the brown (and often stinky stuff), with streaking being one of the most common. So what is one to do should a slip-up occur? You could, of course, get lost in internet forums dedicated to tanning, but what's the fun in scrolling through novice solutions when you can ask someone—like, an actual tanning expert—directly? Enter Tan-Luxe, a relatively new company that launched in the U.K. two years ago and bills itself as "the antithesis of outdated, heavily pigmented tanning brands loaded with DHA" (that's dihydroxyacetone, the active ingredient in self-tanners) and sells tanning boosters, butters, serums, and mousses. And...it's also launching a tanning hotline today.




According to the company’s Instagram, it appears that no topic is off-limits. Its group of "tanning pros" (including Tan-Luxe's founder, Marc Elrick, and "resident tanning expert" Jules Von Hep) will discuss everything from boyfriends to Celine Dion to kegels, which sounds like the making of a very drunk Saturday night for me. In honor of the new and frankly genius endeavor, here are a few questions I would like to propose:

• S.O.S. I slathered on way too much self-tanner and I’ve turned the color of our President. What if I suddenly get the urge to start building walls?

• Help! My hands are the color of Hooters' hot shorts.

• Hey, remember Tan Mom? Whatever happened to her?

• After a romp in his white sheets, I’m afraid my new boyfriend is going to discover that I'm actually just a fraud. How do I hide the evidence?

• Is our President wearing self-tanner...or Cheetos dust?

• My tan disappeared faster than Anthony Scaramucci. How do I prolong the life of my color?




The company will start taking calls today through September 4. The line for U.K. is 0800-0129-292, and the U.S. is 833-826-5893. Whether or not Tan-Luxe will get pesky millennials to actually use a phone for its intended purpose is TBD, but here's hoping some tanning-related conundrums will be solved once and for all. Oh, and we like to think of the operators on the other end of the line less like Jake from State Farm and more like the sexy, sun-kissed squad from Drake's "Hotline Bling" video.

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