She is portly. She doesn’t have the world’s greatest figure, or that of a sex symbol, not that she is one. She has white hair and spectacles, handsome in charm rather than drop-dead gorgeous, which best explains why she doesn’t fit the bill as an international celebrity in the same way that Angelina Jolie or Gisele Bündchen do. But Mrs. Claus doesn’t have to. She is the all-time holiday heroine. And for this reason, she’s our Badass Bitch of the Week.
It is said that she is intellectually sharp and patient; that she is consistent when Santa Claus is not; that her allure is not the result of her overwhelming generosity, but of her humanity; that despite the sleigh-set life, the elves, and the famous husband, she has retained a relevance, a vitality, a warmth, and a love of children that is universally recognized.
Not surprisingly, people over the years have placed the focus on her style—as one 1864 novel describes, she wears “Hessian high boots, [a] dozen red petticoats, [and a] large, old bonnet.” In 1887’s Good Housekeeping, Mrs. Claus is at her most chic, donning a voluminous plaid cloak with brass hooks. Because of her physical effect, one tends to overlook the fact that she’s the ultimate badass bitch.
She is without a doubt one of Christmas’ most treasured icons, darting around the globe to help Mr. Claus deliver presents. At the North Pole, she oversees all of Santa’s initiatives, including the managing of toy production and checking of Santa’s lists for naughty-nice copy errors.
Frankly, if we had to keep elf morale high, we would opt to radiate boss lady energy with red outerwear and white fur trimmings too. (Reports that Mr. Claus operates a sweatshop under which elves work long hours with negligible wages are unfounded.) Mrs. Claus, due to her remote polar location, could not be reached for comment.
Yet somehow, despite a longtime marriage to a public figure and status as the North Pole’s First Lady, Mrs. Claus’ name has never made it to Page Six. And her first name? That still remains a mystery. At 1,167 years old, Mrs. Claus holds on to privacy as she does immortality. And the secret to her youth? Insider sources point to Christmas spirit.
Over the last century, her image has adorned holiday cards, greeted us at shopping malls, made us smile at the movies, cheered us up at hospitals, and most recently, encouraged us to shop at Marks & Spencer, with some help from Janet McTeer.
Still, the all-too-cheery Mrs. Claus at home in the North Pole, baking cookies for the elves while Santa is away, is the one burned in memory. Her appeal has nothing to do with domesticity or an ability to wear statement outerwear. Instead, it has a great deal to do with giving.